Long marriages

Old Marriages

I’ve been thinking about old marriages because I have observed many couples married forty, fifty, or sixty years on my snowbird retreat.  Yes, they have been married to one person all those years!  When we had been married about ten years, I couldn’t fathom we’d ever reach the twentieth anniversary.  We still had a lot of tugs, stumbles, and stubbornness in our marriage.  However, we learned the ebb and tide of flowing together through hardships, rearing two boys, and celebrating and having fun together even when we were fussing, arguing, and competing with each other.

It is a terrible combo when two competitive people that are both the babies in the family get married.  We both want to win.  It doesn’t matter if it is playing cards, climbing a mountain, succeeding in our career, or doing our own thing, or arguing.  We want to win.  Having the birth position of “baby” creates a dimension of  “it’s mine and I’m special”.  It has taken years to realize I am competitive even if I am not the athlete my husband is.  But, all these years together have taken the edge off our competitiveness, and we understand each other’s need to win.  We have taken competitive energy and turned it into together energy.  We have turned self-centeredness into we can do this together. 

Our marriage is like the sunrise.  We have seen some stormy mornings, vibrant red skies, ordinary days, and basked in the miracles of the rising sun.  It has taken all these circumstances to mold us, change our hearts, turn our cheeks, and lift our spirits during tough times.  Like a lingering sunrise of red, orange, and yellow upon a tranquil teal sea, each of these days together has created beauty within.  We appreciate each other’s talents and gifts, understand the gold in our hearts, and see the sunrise in each other.

We have celebrated well.  Energized by traveling to new countries, experiencing different cultures, and tasting foods and wines from afar have created an “awe” button within.  When we push that button, we vocalize to each other the magic of travel and how it has changed our perspective, awakened epiphanies, and increased our ability to appreciate those unlike us.  We embrace and love the new friendships that have been gained in our travels from New York to California, from Kazakhstan to Europe.  We always have a travel dream in our hearts and gratefulness for how our journeys have added to our marriage. Traveling together has made us best friends.

When we said, “ I do”, we didn’t realize the struggles and tears we would shed together.  We cried tears of anger and in sorrow.  When our children were hurting, ill, or challenged, our hearts sank in unison.  When we faced illness, financial hardships, or family deaths, that “ I do” became a contract.  I do love you even if we’ve made wrong judgments, been neglectful, are suffering illness, or standing firm in faith for our children’s healing. I do love you when you wrap your arms and energy around me and give me strength.  I love how you help me turn a negative into a positive by joining your energy with mine.

Forty-nine years of cheering at football games, laughing at our children’s antics, becoming that sacred title of “grandparent”, or going on a date, we have been blessed.  Only an old marriage realizes the magnetic energy of dancing like we did when we were teens. When old bodies embrace, music is heard and understanding is projected. We often need to help each other with a lost word when we share a favorite story.   Old marriages are like worn baby blankets.  They have comforted, warmed us, and been there through sleepless nights.  We have become that security blanket to each other.

I am so grateful we both held on to our marriage.  Through battles and victories, it has grown old, sentimental, and so sweet.

70 YEARS OF LESSONS

70 years of lessons

1.     Being a kid is fun; so I will continue to be one until I die.

2.     Take time to breathe, and breathe deeply.

3.     Laugh when things are funny. When things aren’t funny, find something funny about the situation.  Laugh and laugh some more.

4.     Creating draws from the soul, so I seek my soul’s help often.

5.     Create paintings, collages, recipes, gardens, writings, quilts, scrapbooks, journals, wreaths, and anything else that is fun.  Try to create something everyday.

6.     Seek the presence of God as many minutes a day as I would want Him to protect and love me. 

7.     Be spontaneous! You’re a kid, remember?

8.     Be flexible, it makes stretching lessons so much easier.

9.     Get outside as much as you can.  Outside air generates more energy.

10. Love with the intensity and energy that it takes to remove a stubborn pickle lid.

11. Say “I love you,” more than you think you need to do.

12. Hug all who are loveable, and hug the unlovable twice as much.

13. Read God’s word every day.

14. Seek God.

15. Teach a child a life lesson whether you are playing ball, making art, or eating dinner with them.

16. Eat at the dining table everyday and offer blessings to all who are there.

17. Use your best crystal to drink your wine.  Today is special.

18. Float with the musical notes around you. Dance and turn round and round.

19. Sing simply; sing often.

20. Forgive your past; God has.

21. Savor the sparkles in the sea, the warm breeze against your skin, the sweet smell of Jasmine tea, the purity of a clear blue sky, and the fragrance of the rose.

22. Learn from your adult children.  They are bright. After all, who were their mother and father?

23. Cherish old and new friendships.  Each of these people was sent from God to help mold you. 

24. Giggle with your husband and at your husband every day of your life. 

25. Hold no grudges.  They make wrinkles in your soul and your brow.

26. Read constantly.  Read for pleasure, learning, coping, and hoping.

27. Pray constantly for your children and grandchildren. You may be their only intercessor for the day.

28. Guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

29. Do not weary the Lord with your words, “Where is the God of justice?” Know that He is justice and righteousness.  Trust Him.

30. If life is going to work on my behalf, I must give myself permission to grow, to change, and to let go.

31. For me to grow spiritually, I must make an empty space by ridding myself of garbage.  Then, a new truth and epiphany can have room to enter.

32. Be content by not comparing.  Just be.

33. Reach for new truths, special activities, and meeting new people.  These will enrich your body, mind, and soul.

34. Remember to say prayers of thanks everyday.  They make God smile.

35. Slow down. I can’t get to my destination until I get there.  Enjoy the curves, the hills, and valleys.

36. Life is good if I choose to think it is.

37. Accept that sometimes I make wrong turns, choices, or words. God forgives me so should I.

38. We are made in God’s image.  Be merciful; it is built within.

39. Resist blaming or imagining the worst.  Instead, take one step, a baby step in the process of understanding the lesson that is to be learned.

40. Remember all the snow that the storm brought must melt someday.  The storm is passing.  This too shall pass.

41. I know that in all situations, every day, in every situation, I can depend on God.  He never fails.

42. Take time for rest, reflection, and time alone.  Spiritual vibrations only happen when we take time for them.

43. When I can’t, faith can.

44. Grab every opportunity to travel.  Save for it, so when the great deal comes along, you can go.

45. Find the sacred in everyday.

46. The color of the sky at its last light paints an orange you will never forget.

47. Pay attention to the sparkle in another’s eye or respond to the hurt you feel in their heart.

48. Know everyone has a story.  Take time to ask them.

49. If you really listen, you can hear each other’s pain and fears.  Pray for them.

50. Behold the blossom. It won’t last for long.

51. Listen to your life.  Your smallest incident may be your biggest moment of awareness.

52. Love well.

53. I’ve learned that everyday I need to reach out and give a hug, pat someone on the back, or drop a special note of affirmation.

54. Life gives second chances if you are sensitive enough to find them

55. No matter how awful today is I know that joy will return in the morning or perhaps the next day.

56. Enjoy now.  It doesn’t matter if you are overweight; under dressed, house is a mess, or a bad hair day.  Just enjoy today and cherish the now.

57. Kiss often, hug spontaneously, and pray for your spouse every day.

58. Laugh uncontrollably at anything that starts that giggle force.

59. Dance with your Heavenly Father. Twirl, waltz, and bow before him often.

60. Doodle when idle, it is like yoga for the brain.

61. Allow your toes to sink in the sand, splash in a mud puddle, or stand bare footed on soft grass because it will make you aware of how really grounded you are.

62. Thank your bones, tissue, ligaments, hands, feet, legs, cells, and any other parts of your body for being healthy and moving you through this journey. Speak gratefulness to your body.

63. Gratitude is the key to happy living.  Pausing, seeing, and looking for the little things that make life great brings not only joy, but also humility. I am humbled because I have not taken time to appreciate my mother’s teacup and all the memories it holds.  I am humbled when you acknowledge it is your husband’s morning kiss that means far more than the gifts he buys for me. 

64. Speaking of gifts; everyone enjoys a surprise gift for no reason at all except that they are dear to me.

65. Tell your grandchildren about your childhood.  Tell them things you feared or desired and ask them to share the same with you.  I discover amazing things in the minds and hearts of my sweet granddaughters.

66. Write your children a yearly letter (I choose birthdays).  I tell them why I love them and the gifts that I admire in them. I share stories of their past and cute things they did as little guys.  I write through tears because I love them so much.

67. I’ve kept a daily journal for years and years.  It grounds me and I share new truths, epiphanies, and dreams in it.  I copy favorite poems or talk about a book that had permanent impact on my mind, soul, or body.

68. I try to exercise everyday. I remind myself that those who age well aren’t necessarily killing themselves in hours in the gym, but they are choosing exercise that they enjoy.  I bet that is why they do it each day.

69. Learning to listen is the greatest gift a mother can give to her kids, a spouse to her mate, and a grandmother to her grand babies.  Listen well and concentrate on what details they are willing to share and are important to them.

70. Live life well.  It may be a sunbath at the beach, setting a beautiful table from the flowers in your yard, creating a painting that no one may like but you.  Share dinner with your family as often as possible.  Speak positives and affirmations to encourage those around you. I’m still learning to live life well but sure am enjoying the moment I am in.

Marriage, A Yoga Relationship

Yoga in Marriage

Today I had a wonderful experience. I did yoga on the Englewood Beach. The instructor urged us to breathe with the ocean waves. The fine mist in the air gently washed away my cares and concerns. Approximately 100 people stretched to the sky and recognized the sand as their turf. It was a gentle class. I expect the instructor recognized we were mostly senior snow birds.

I was invigorated after our hour session. It was about 70 degrees. Warm feels wonderful to an Indiana gal. As I was walking back to our rental, I thought about the next few days.

We planned to fly to Seattle to witness our son’s wedding. He is 35 and has waited a long time to marry. This wedding is their official church wedding. He and Annie decided to be married before they lived together because they had been reared to know God’s ordainment is necessary and morally right. I so appreciated them taking this extra step. In April they are having a destination wedding with tropical flowers, event days, and lots of celebration. We are all traveling to Cozumel to have a wedding in the sands of time.

I realize this is exceptional in this era where so many couples choose just to live together. They make a commitment to share the rent. Somehow, rent sharing and fixing up a domain are not the basis for marriage. It is the external parts, but it takes God’s blessing to create a permanent bond. Even then, it is a difficult task to have a successful marriage in today’s culture. I pray often for Annie and Adam. I ask God to unite them in such a way that they will be magnets to each other for all of their life’s journey,

They understand it will take much work, patience, and turning their heads when one of them acts really stupid. I used to wonder how long” stupid” would last. Usually, the state of disrepair lasted a few hours when we were first married. After forty-three years, our “stupid” only lasts a short time. It is not because we are mature marrieds. We just seem to give each other more grace because we can’t remember if we are really right or wrong. Our most vivid attack is, “ Somebody”. We say, “Somebody forgot to put the milk away, close the cupboard, or give me a charge receipt,” and other such essential functions and earth shattering matters in marriage.

I enter into an understanding when I see an older couple holding hands as they walk together. Gravity has played a cruel trick on their once cute bodies. Heartaches and worries have engraved etchings on their faces. Rearing and running children made permanent laugh lines around their eyes and upturned mouths. The hand in hand couple look within to find comfort, honor, and respect. These are the foundations of a lasting marriage. I see them laugh as they pull up and down their swim suits in a synchronized way trying to hide the bulges that make most clothes feel awkward. It just doesn’t matter. They are one in heart, soul, and body. They have earned the right to bulge and still feel love, passion, and admiration for each other. These are the condiments of an old marriage.

I pray that Annie and Adam will feel the rhythm of the waves that I heard this morning. I want them to be the cleansing air and soft mist for each other. I know they will stretch each other, but I pray they can stay in balance as I did in the tree position. If they lose that balance, may they refocus, realign, and recall how good it felt to be stable as one. Just as yoga takes years of practice to perfect; so does marriage. Like yoga, even the practice is enjoyable. A session can create enlightenment, renewal, or a new understanding. Each season of marriage does much the same if we relax and let it work within us and outside of us. Ahhh, stretch Annie and Adam. You are in for a delightful season. Blessings to you both in learning balance.